BAAP of all forwards

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and
trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank
you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. 

Because of your concern...

Ø 
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains!

Ø 
I no longer drink anything out of a can because
I will get sick from the rat faces and urine!

Ø 
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer!

Ø 
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS!

Ø 
I no longer use margarine because it's one
molecule away from being plastic!

Ø 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me!

Ø 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise!

Ø 
I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from
hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan!

Ø 
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers!

Ø 
I no longer date the opposite sex because they
will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice!

Ø 
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe!

Ø 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish!

Ø 
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only
answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes!

Ø 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)!

Ø 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program!

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking
out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend
of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!